August 2010

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August 31, 2010: Rest of the month was pretty good! Today I got a call from my manager who was on vacation and he wanted to let me know that I got the promotion to Director! I am really psyched as this is a major next jump in my career and it puts me in a good position to continue to grow within the company. Very cool indeed :)

August 17, 2010: Actually, at the end of the day, I'm pretty sure I don't know what the fuck I am doing. Follow my heart... listen to my mind? A friend of mine probably summed it up best when he gave me this advice

"Just let go... (not let him go, but yourself)... let your self just drift with life... if you find your self drawn to him and want nothing more than to be with him... then as i said some people are worth the wait and the weight <it bears on your heart>.

If you find life... makes you drift away... atleast you know that you tried before and are still holding a healthy friendship with him..."

And so, I try to cast off the anchor, raise the sails, take a deep breath of that salty air, let it out, and see where the winds will take me.

I will try.

Penz

August 16, 2010: So, was an interesting weekend. On Friday afternoon, I headed up with Paul to the Tamworth campgrounds to join the local parrot heads for some outdoor fun. We got up there around 3:30, quickly got our site setup and joined in the local festivities. It was a fun night, and some of the highlights included the delicious lobster roll dinner courtesy of Ann Mary and Jerome, lots of laughter/fun, and the camp site crawl of 10 sites and way too many 'red drinks'. LOL anyways, we all crashed out around 11:30 or so, and unfortunately for me, I could not sleep. It was a combination of being mentally/physically exhausted, mixed with alcohol and having stuff on my mind. Long story short, I didn't sleep and so I was not in a good place on Saturday morning. Saturday was a fun/chill day (great breakfast, the river regatta - go silver bullet!) and was made better by Kara and Emma visiting. We all hung out together for most of the day, and by the late afternoon, after dinner, I decided I was going to head back to Dover w/them. I was beat and there was no way I was going to be able to party it up that night. So, with the expected guilt trip from Paul (all in good fun :), I packed up and headed back with Kara 'n Emma to Dover. It was a nice ride back and good just to have a little 1-1 time with Kara. Upon arriving home, I picked up Clarice from next door (she was having a blast with the neighbors and she gets along great with their dog, whose name is Emma too :) I took a shower, watched TV for a wee bit, popped an Ambien and crashed out.

On Sunday, I woke up feeling pretty rested. I spent most of the day working outside around the house weeding the beds, trimming some shrubs, mowing the lawn. Felt good to get some work done and be outside. I made a crock pot full of chili and that night watched "The Book of Eli" as I devoured a bowl full of spicy goodness.

A bit later, Eric and I linked up and had a really good conversation. In short, both of us enjoyed the pseudo relationship we had been maintaining since I moved out to CA and both of us really felt the loss of it after I 'called it off' last week. We talked through a lot of what was going on and how we both felt, and that really helped. In the end, I decided that I wanted to slowly open the emotional floodgates again, and let what we had developed continue on. Yes, emotionally it is risky, yes, I probably have the greater chance of getting hurt, and yes, it's going to be a long while before there is even a chance of the two of us being together. But you know what? I got forward with open eyes, aware of all this (and much more) and for me, it is worth it.

Life is short. The time I have spent with Eric since January of this year has been amazing. It hasn't been perfect, but it has been amazing and I am not going to let that go. Each of us area better people having the other in his life, and though we are victims of happenstance when it comes to the timing of all of this, I'm not convinced that our time is out of reach. So for now, it's onward and forward, and together we'll see where this takes us.

I can say this, it certainly does feel good to gently feed the fire that is the love I have for my puppy. It's an amazing feeling :)

August 13, 2010: I hadn't slept for shit the past two days (night before last I went to bed at 11 and was up at 4:30 AM, my head was spinning....) so last night, I popped an Ambien before I went to bed, and that helped quite a bit and I got a good nights rest.

I feel like I've got a cold coming on, so I've been popping vitamins, hoping to stave it off. I think I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted from this week, and my body is taking the toll. Today, I'm going to head up North with Paul and a bunch of the parrot heads for some camping. I'm hoping this will be a good distraction for me.

Hanging in there. Moving forward. That is all.

August 10, 2010: Eric and I had 'the talk' today. In a nutshell, I've accepted the reality of him being where he is in his life (not available for a relationship) and me being where I am (available). There are certain things that I just can't change, no matter how much I care for him and no matter how much I try. He has always been honest and up front with me about not being in the right place for a relationship, but with that said, I had to try. Knowing the emotional risks, I gave it my all, and to be honest, I don't regret one second of it. But now, it's time for the puppy to stop waiting by the door hoping that he's going to walk through it; cause it ain't gonna happen :|

Moving forward, I'll treasure the friendship we have developed and the memories/experiences that we shared (some of them being the happiest I've ever been in my life). Neither of us knows what the future holds... so here's hoping for the best!

"I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck.
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life"

<click here for the video of Michael Buble's "Just Haven't Met You Yet!">

And with all that said, right now, I feel drained, confused, tired, and a little bit empty. I miss the dream...

~Penz

August 9, 2010: Weather has been really nice here over the past week, with only one day being humid. Hung out with Tab on Friday night and it was one of those perfect nights where it was cool and breezy (that means no mosquito's!) and the sky was crystal clear. While drinking a couple of beers and star gazing, we saw 3 shooting stars and found a couple of satellites. Yup, nice way to spend the night.

On Saturday, my electrician finished wiring in the transfer panel for my generator. We tested it out and it worked great! Now I'm ready for a power failure. A few simple steps of starting the generator and flipping a few switches, and I'll be back in business! I'll actually get to get it out tomorrow as PSNH is doing some maintenance and the power will be off from 8:30-noon :) This will be a great test of the system for a few hours.

I picked up a sweet Craftsman tool chest at a yard sale that morning too. $40!! It was a steal and now I have great place to store my tools :)

The rest of the day I had to work (I was on call this weekend), and that night, I headed over to Paul and Kara's where we drank a few rum & gingers while sitting by the fire. A great way to end the day.

August 1, 2010: Oh hello there August! Boy, you sure sneaked up on me. Where the hell did July go!?!?! :)

Was a good weekend. Had a pleasant visit with Rusty On Saturday morning I was up early, mowed the lawn, installed a bug deflector on my truck and got some other stuff down around the house. Rusty crawled out of the guest room around 11:30 and we hung out for a bit before heading down to Stoop and Leah's house for a nice little BBQ. Got to see a bunch of the crew (Alex, Tab, Spidey, Junior, w/the assorted wives/girl friends) as well as Patno and Urnek, of whom I hadn't seen since I moved back. Had a really good time seeing everyone! That night was pretty chill and I crashed out early.

On Sunday, I was up around 7:30 and watched some TV/relaxed with Clarice on the couch for a couple of hours until Rusty got up. That afternoon, we headed down to the Manchester Firing Range where we met up with Tab for a little target practice. Unfortunately Tab wasn't able to stay and shoot w/us due to the wait and because he has a 'tee time' to go golfing with Junior that afternoon. So, Rusty and I ended up hanging out and then we did some target shooting. I brought my Ruger GP100 .357 Magnum and he rented a .40 caliber Glock. I put 150 rounds through my revolver and had a great time doing it. Hehehe, though I haven't shot it for quite a while, turns out I'm still a pretty damn good shot w/it and had nice groupings at 10 and 15 yards. Rusty is more of a rifle guy, but he did pretty well with the Glock and even better w/my revolver. It was a fun time! After that is was back to the house for a few minutes to put together a tasty vegan friendly pasta salad and then off to Paul and Kara's for dinner. Paul made another amazing smoked brisket as well as a side dish of potatoes & corn, and a delicious caprese' salad with fresh veggies from the garden. It was a delicious meal. After that, we hung out for a bit and then it was back to the house where I had to do a little bit of work before having a glass or two of port wine w/Rusty and chatting for a bit before bed.

Today is just a normal Monday so have been working. Around 1:00, I dropped Rusty off at the train station and now back to work and trying to keep busy. When I don't, my mind wants to wander to thinking about my Puppy in CA...

~Penz


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