March 2003

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March 25, 2003:  Ok, well, it was a beautiful day out, weather wise. Heheh, gotta love CA for that.  Bunch of stuff going on at work, causing some stress.  War, causing some stress (have a very good friend over there on the front line).  Life, causing a bit of stress. <sigh>  All of this has taken a bit of a toll on me over the last couple of weeks.  I haven't been sleeping well and that's caused me to get a little 'cranky' at times .  Not good for ol' Penz to be cranky now :) So, I met with my doctor today to chat about a few things and it went well (no, I'm not on any happy drug prescriptions! no Prozac for this boy!).  I just need to find some better ways to deal with the mental stress I've got going on, as it's affecting my mind and body.  I've got some good ideas on how to do that, and in a short amount of time, I'll be back to my ol' self again.  Heheh, he did give me something to help me sleep better (short term) and I'm hoping that a good nights rest will put me back on track.

Other than that, I'm looking forward to SCUBA diving again soon. My next scheduled trip is in April, but if I can, this weekend or the next, I'm going to see if I can get a dive in (probably the weekend of April 5...).

Talked to my brother Tim today. He is such a good kid.  I love and miss him a lot!  I wish he and I lived closer together cause I sure do miss having him around.  Funny how brothers are... we used to drive each other nuts when we were a lot younger, but over the years, we've grown to be very close and it's a great feeling have him as one of my best friends.  That's the way it's supposed to be :-)

Hope all is well in your world.  Drop me a line if you're so inclined!

Penz

March 22, 2003:  I woke up this morning and it was raining outside and I found myself all alone.  So, I ground some beans and made a good pot of coffee.  Took a nice leftover piece of rib-eye steak, thin sliced it and heated it up in a skillet and then made a three egg scramble with asparagus and cheddar cheese along with a bagel and cream cheese. I popped Fantasia 2000, sat back, and ate breakfast :)  Not a bad way to start the day.

After breakfast, I gave Spidey a call and did a little catching up with him.  All in all, he and Cathy are doing well out in KY.

Yesterday I spent the day with my friend Bryan.  We headed out to Bodega Bay for the day to get our 'ocean fix' :-)  It was fun just to hang out, drive, listen to music and relax.

So, it's been an interesting month (aren't they all?).  The month started with a great three day visit from Mark "Hummer" Hamel. He flew out here on Friday the 7th.  That day, I picked him up at SFO at 2:30 and we headed into San Francisco for the rest of the afternoon.  We hit a bunch of the nice 'scenic vistas' including the Golden Gate Bridge, Marin, Twin Peaks, etc... around 7:00 we headed back to Dublin where we met up with Justin and then headed out to dinner.  That night we were asleep by 10:00.

At 4:15 am the next morning I got up to take Justin to the airport as he was flying back to CT for a week to visit his friends and family.  I got him to the airport and was back in Dublin by 6:00 AM.  At that point I woke up Mark by grinding some coffee beans :P and by 7:00 we were on the road heading to Big Tree's State Park to go and see the giant sequoias.  It was a pretty ride out there, and because no one else was on the road, we made good time. It was about 40' when we got there and there was about 4 inches of snow on the ground and no one else was there. We spent the next hour and a half walking through the park and it was really beautiful. Huge trees, clean air, a good friend...ahhh, t'was quite a nice moment to have:)    

So, when we were finished with Big Trees, Mark said "Why don't we go to Yosemite?" and I said "OK!" and off to Yosemite we went.  Taking the Northern entrance into the park (route 120) We got to the park around noon and made it down to the ground level of the part around 12:30.  We spent a few hours in the park seeing the sites (which are always impressive) and left the part via the Southern exit via route 46.  We made it back to Dublin around 6:00 pm at which point we freshened up and then headed into Pleasanton for dinner.  Hehehe, by the time the day ended, I had spent 11.5 hours diving in my car and put about 600 miles on it.  Hehehehe, I was tired so we finally sacked out around 10:00 pm and the next morning at 8:30 am, Mark's jet took off from SJC and flew him safely back to Tucson, AZ.  I really enjoyed seeing him and I'm looking forward to our next meeting, hopefully in the not too distant future!

Haven't gone SCUBA diving yet this month.  My trip on the 17th got cancelled due to a storm, so I'm going to try and go the last weekend of the month if I can. I already booked a trip for April 12 down in Monterey, and I'm looking forward to that :-)

So, otherwise, what's been up?  I don't know.  Life is good, but I'm still feeling a bit along.  I really don't have a large group of friends out here in CA and sometimes that can drag me down. Especially since I'd really like to find someone to date right now.  Hahaha, yeah, you'd think that living 45 min away from the gay capitol of the world, it would be easy to find someone, but it's not. 

So, let's ramble for a bit. For those of you reading this, take it with a grain of salt. I'm just free flowing here  FYI, I've had a lot of classical music playing this morning "Beethoven, Bach, Yo-Yo Ma, Rachmoninoff" (oh yes, all of this inspired by Fantasia). Yes, this is always good for thinking, though damn, it's a roller coaster of emotions! Hehehe, well, that's the power and magic of music.

So, the big equation I'm trying to figure out, is what makes up "the chemistry" between two people? I don't think I'm ever going to get it down to a simple equation, but I'm trying my best to figure it out. What makes up my chemistry?

"the person I am" + "me life experiences" + "my state of mind" + "my mood" + "the infinite variables of universe" + "timing" = my chemistry.

Hahahah, that may be a vain attempt at the definition, but that'll work for this moment.

Now, take that half of the equation + the other person's chemistry and mix them together. Each of these people will react in a unique fashion as it's impossible for both sides of the equation to be equal. This is not to say their reactions won't be similar, but they will not be exactly a like.

blah blah blah.... so what am I getting at? I don't know. I guess part of it is what type of reaction do I want when I mix with someone else? Bottom line, I want them to make me feel more alive by being with them than I can by myself. That's the 'spark'.

Now different people at different times in their/my life can/will cause different reactions with me and based upon all of the variables, shit will/will not happen.

Since we only in control of so many of the variables, we need to try and be aware of how our own chemistry will cause others to react. Now most of us don't make a conscious effort to do this, we just 'are' and we 'do' and we 'life' and others react accordingly. But what happens when you figure out that you may allowing outside factors to have more control of your makeup than you like, and what happens when you figure out that some/all of those factors are just in your head and that the are interfering with you being able to feel/generate 'the spark'?

!?!?!? And it's time for me to get out of the house.  Too nice to be sitting inside today and maybe the fresh air will do me some good and help me clear up my head!  :D

Penz


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